You don’t have to focus directly on the problem for it to heal.

Thoughts on patience and what actually makes us feel better.

There’s this temptation to go right to the source when it comes to addressing mental health needs. As if things will get better if you just focus more on it (whatever the it is), look at it from a new angle, try harder. We obsess and internalize that something must be wrong with us.

And the underlying message is you must be doing something wrong if it’s not getting better immediately. Do more of the work. Where do you feel it in your body? It’s a trauma response. Delve deeper.

Sure, there are instances where meds need to start immediately, or an unsafe situation/ relationship needs to be exited asap, but I would say that is the minority.

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For the most part, it isn’t just one thing that causes an issue.

The presenting problem might seem simple - “I’m devastated from a breakup and need to get over it”- but there are so many elements attached to this. It would be overly simplistic to focus solely on the break up (the problem). Both in treatment and also in life, as one moves forward.

To go with this example, it would involve exploring how love, safety and relationships were framed growing up. Asking about other interpersonal relationships, and exploring thought patterns & distortions.

Bolstering coping skills, assessing sleep hygiene, and investigating nutrition and nourishment of all kinds.

What do self- care and hobbies look like, as well as previous goodbyes / ruptures. Intergenerational messages, learned ways of communicating and how you self-regulate. I could go on and on! THIS is rich information. Exploring these illuminate self-awareness, insight and useful new tools.

Notice how the progress and evolution isn’t tied to just one specific thing, it is interwoven with other elements of life? Elements we can address effectively and support. You are healing from the breakup without even talking about the breakup.

Yes, we need to be challenged and of course address core issues, but the deep stuff is not always the bulk of the work. It’s a part of it- an indispensable part- but not as big and dramatic as social media and television depictions make it out to be. Small, sustainable steps forward. This is the way.

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The second issue is that too much direct focus on the problem exhausts you.